


Melancholy, Kosher Eggnog, and the Unfair Distribution of Miracles

by jujubiest



Series: Barry Loves Harry [7]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-12 01:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5648764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujubiest/pseuds/jujubiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas Eve, and everyone is at the West house for an ugly sweater party, but Caitlin isn't feeling the holiday spirit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Melancholy, Kosher Eggnog, and the Unfair Distribution of Miracles

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during Chapter 3 of [The Central City Christmas Spectacular](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5399438/chapters/12759170). This will make slightly more sense if you've read that.

Caitlin leaned against the counter in the West kitchen, breathing in the smells of cider spice and fresh pine and trying to muster the wherewithal to rejoin the party. Everyone else was in the living room, clustered around Iris and Eddie, sharing in Iris’s joy as they all opened presents and snapped photos of each other in their horrible holiday attire.

She had intentionally kept to the edge of the group, and slipped away into the relatively quiet kitchen as soon as she felt she could do so without being noticed. She was finding it significantly easier to breathe here, away from all the noise, laughter, and the suffocating heat of too many bodies pressing close in the West’s small living room.

She hated feeling like this. It had been a hard year, and she wanted nothing more than to end it being happy, surrounded by her friends. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t summon up the warmth and joy everyone else seemed to feel. Iris was obviously ecstatic, and who could blame her? Patty was having fun, despite not knowing most of the people at the party, and seemed to be striking up a friendship with Linda Park. Barry, flanked by Harry and his dad, looked happier than she had seen him in months. Cisco was excited to see Lisa again, and actually seemed to be getting along with her brother. Mick, awkward as the poor guy could be, was smiling more than she’d ever seen him (granted, most of what she’d seen of him were mugshots). Jax, Clarissa, and the West’s other surprise guest, Wally, had somehow discovered a mutual love of football. Even Joe, surrounded by several people he would definitely want to arrest under other circumstances, seemed to be having fun.

Meanwhile, all she’d felt for months was a distant sadness that didn’t feel like enough considering what she’d lost. The only moments of peace she’d had in weeks had been working on her scanner. Its original purpose was to search for certain heat and radiation signatures, but now it sat atop S.T.A.R. Labs, tuned to keep a lookout for errant speedsters. Caitlin couldn’t begrudge her friends the use of it; their need to search for danger was real. Her need to search for Ronnie was just a desperate, baseless hope. She refused to resent Barry and the others for something they hadn’t planned and couldn’t help.

But tonight, watching Iris reunite with Eddie, a bitterness had crept into her heart that chilled and horrified her, prompting her retreat to the kitchen, where she could breathe without wanting to scream, or burst into tears.

Dr. Stein poked his head into the kitchen, and Caitlin rallied a smile at the sight of his attire. This year’s version of the Dreidel Sweater was bright blue and extra fuzzy, with a large, light-up dreidel on the front of it. It blinked cheerily at her as he crossed the room and joined her against the counter, nursing what appeared to be an untouched mug of eggnog.

“Not feeling in the holiday spirit, Dr. Snow?”

She wondered if her smile looked as brittle as it felt.

“Was it obvious? I was hoping no one else would notice.”

He hmm’d and took a sip of the eggnog, making a face as it went down.

“Ugh. That’s quite enough of that.” He set the mug aside. “I never have liked eggnog, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Miss West, considering she was kind enough to buy it kosher so that Clarissa and I could partake.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Caitlin said conspiratorially.

“In that case, can I tell you another secret?” She nodded. Dr. Stein sighed, slipping his hands into his pockets and fixing his eyes at some random point along the opposite wall.

“I am not, try as I might, feeling quite as jovial as I usually would during the holiday season.”

“I know what you mean,” Caitlin admitted dejectedly.

“Yes…I thought so. Care to share?”

She sighed.

“I miss him,” she said softly. “And as hard as I try to feel happy for Iris, I just…keep thinking. Why not Ronnie? He was a hero, too. He died saving this city, this _world_. Why doesn’t he get a miracle? Why don’t I? I know it’s horrible and selfish.”

“Not at all. It’s only natural to miss Ronald, to want him back, to see the impossible thing you want so badly given to someone else and wish you could have it.” He paused for a moment, then went on in a much softer voice.

“I miss him, too, you know. Very much. Mr. Jackson is a wonderful partner, and I’ve grown very fond of him. But Ronald and I lived practically in each other’s pockets for nearly a year, and we grew quite close during that time. He can never be replaced for me. The loss of him will never not be felt.”

Caitlin leaned her head sadly on Dr. Stein’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry you feel the way I do right now,” she said. “But I’m also glad it’s not just me.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her an affectionate squeeze.

“No one should ever feel alone during the holidays, Dr. Snow. I’m glad to keep you company in your melancholy, as I am glad to have company in mine.”

“Thank you, Dr. Stein.”

“And who knows?” He said softly, his voice wistful. “The beautiful thing about asking ‘why not me?’ in this situation is that it’s a perfectly valid question. Why _not_ you? Eddie Thawne died, and his body disappeared into a singularity. So far as we know, so did Ronald. Now we live in a world where other universes exist, where beings from our world and theirs can move between them. Where men who were dead fall from the sky and turn up smiling on the doorstep. So many wonderful impossibilities. Who’s to say Ronald won’t be among them? Perhaps he is out there as we speak, lost in another world. Perhaps he is making his way back home to us both.”

Caitlin smiled. When she spoke, her voice was full of unshed tears.

“That’s a beautiful thought. I’d like to believe it.”

“Then believe it, Dr. Snow. If there’s a time of year for faith in miracles, this is it.”

**Author's Note:**

> For reference, Iris's guest list: Barry, Caitlin, Cisco, Harry, Joe (obviously, it's his house), Lisa Snart, Leonard Snart, Mick Rory, Patty Spivot, Linda Park, Dr. Stein, Clarissa Stein, Jax, Henry Allen, and Wally West. We'll just call Eddie Iris's surprise plus one.


End file.
